Feb 14, 2014

The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue




After my recent discovery of the ‘adult film actress’ Lysa Thatcher (Touch Me in the Morning, Pink Punk)—probably the only blue movie star that has ever caught my attention—in Cecil Howard’s phantasmagoric porn masterpiece Neon Nights (1981), I decided to dig up some more lecherous flicks starring the little Lolita-like lady and ultimately discovered the decidedly dirty yet strangely moralistic dystopian sci-fi flick The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue (1980) aka The Satisfiers aka 2001: I odysseia tou sex directed by none other than Italian-American cult pornographer Gerard Damiano (Deep Throat, The Devil in Miss Jones, Splendor in the Ass). As someone who has never been a hardcore science fiction fan (nor a fan of hardcore science fiction), let alone seen a single episode of Star Trek, I was quite enthralled to see dirty dago Damiano debase the played-out genre that is oftentimes associated with impotent and/or virginal fanboys that collect toys. Starring superlatively swarthy and less than handsome Hebrews Robert ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ Kerman aka R. Bolla and porn star turned standup comedian Herschel Savage (a man who was given his pseudonym by his kosher comrade Jamie Gillis in an attempt to mold a ‘nerdy Jewish identity’ with that of an ostensible super stud), as well as the ever so radically repulsive vulgarian Jewess Annie Sprinkle (My Father Is Coming, War Is Menstrual Envy), The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue seems like the sort of soulless technocratic and politically correct future that might be sired if the most despicable of Hollywood liberals had their wayward way and turned the world into one big kosher cesspool of semen-drenched humanist sloganing and perverted loveless sex where family, kultur, art, and individuality are nowhere to be seen. An ideally idiosyncratic and totally kitschy cult item from the late part of the great Golden Age of Porn, The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue tells the satirically sordid story of a sub-homely heeb homeboy who suffers from all-consuming melancholy and resentment due to the fact that there is merely great superficial sex in the 21st century and where real authentic love and commitment are no longer vogue, so he faces a bit of heartbreak after falling for a high-tech hooker and decides to make it his duty to deflower her cold heart. The pornographic answer to quasi-erotically-charged sci-fi cult classics ranging from Curtis Harrington’s Queen of Blood (1966) and Slava Tsukerman’s Liquid Sky (1982), The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue, despite being a hardcore flick featuring mostly nasty sex, most certainly has a lot of out-of-this-world ingredients that, like all decent films of the genre, reminds the filmgoer that the future will probably be a fucked place worthy of an atom bomb or two.



 It is the 21st century and some post-apocalyptic scenario has inspired the surviving humans to revamp society in a sophisticated yet soulless manner somewhat comparable to Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World where hedonism reigns with a laser-prick and where women are not allowed to birth to children in a real and organic fashion and are instead subjected to the sexual desires of men.  Rather unfortunately for the women, it seems all the handsome men died in the nuclear apocalypse.  Female ‘Relaxers’ merely give men massages, but ‘Satisfiers’ must sexually service men in any manner they so desire. Kosher comrades Algon (Robert Kerman) and Griffin (Herschel Savage) have just arrived at the vice-fueled vacation planet of ‘Alpha Blue’ via teleportation and while the latter is quite excited about being at the exotic pleasure-dome, the former is a brooding cultural pessimist looking for love and is tired of loving in an emotionally pacified universe where superficial slogans like “save the whales” make up a good portion of the (non)conversations people have. As Griffin states to Algon, “They gave it up in the 20th century and you're still smoking,” but that is the least of the fellow’s problem as an emotional wreck of a man in a world of robotic automatons. When Algon meets a busty blonde nymph Satisfier named ‘805’ aka Diana (Lysa Thatcher), he falls in love at first sight and the two make passionate love after eating a full dinner (as opposed to the tablets that most people eat), but when the Semitic pseudo-stud brings up real love and how great the pre-apocalyptic world use to be, the feminist-brainwashed hooker states, “You mean like the old days? You're crazy, the old days are old…they no longer work. There’s no pain, no frustration. I’m a satisfier. That’s what I do best. I’m the best fuck in cubicle seven” and “Fuck you! Love my mouth, my cunt. Don’t waste my time on love.” Storming out of the room, Diana yells at Algon, “Talk to yourself, I’m going to eat cock, eat cock until I choke” and, indeed, she proceeds to down no less than four beefy dicks. Although Algon now thinks Diana is a “cunt,” he cannot get her out his miserable mind, but as a wanton woman of the borderline lesbian sort who proudly proclaims to her fellow lady-licking Satisfiers, “I like having my cunt sucked, especially by a woman. Men can be too tough when it comes to eating pussy. Oh, it’s not that they don’t try to do it well…it just takes a woman to understand another woman,” it will be hard for him to make her his monogamous lover. Meanwhile, all sort of sexual debauchery is happening around Alpha Blue, especially involving an unsavory Satisfier (Annie Sprinkle) with cow utters for tits who gives fellows golden showers and even buggers a statuesque Aryan man with a veiny strap-on dildo and then forces the assumedly fecal-covered object in his mouth and subsequently sticks it inside herself while it's still in the mouth of said statuesque Aryan man. An unhinged universe populated by philistine lemming perverts without even the least bit of individuality, Algon is even berated by his best friend for his complaints about love, with Griffin complaining, “That’s what your problem is, good buddy. You care, no one else does. You are the one out of step. It’s really simple…if you can’t beat them, join them.” Luckily, in the end, Algon demonstrates his sophisticated carnal knowledge to such an otherworldly degree that debauched dame Diana agrees to do ‘anything’ for him, including the unthinkable; loving him like a real human being. 



 Despite being a super sleazy piece of aberrosexual pornography featuring some of the most degenerate, ludicrously unappealing porn stars of its era, The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue ultimately has a ‘moral’ message as a work that champions making love over loveless sex and even satires the sort of trendy liberal ideals that inspire naive boys and girls to go to third world hellholes like the Congo for some non-profit organization. Set in a world where there is no real love, the nuclear family has been nuked, virtually all the men are ugly, physically pathetic Judaics and where the women are brainwashed by a post-culture-culture/feminist view of sex, and senseless hedonism for hedonism’s sake is the only thing that is strove for, The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue is undoubtedly more thematically relevant today than when it was released over some three decades ago. Sleaze duce Gerard Damiano followed up the film with an innately worthless and unworthy shot-on-video sequel entitled Return to Alpha Blue (1984) that of course does not feature lady Lysa Thatcher and has less of a sci-fi essence than Godard's Alphaville (1965). Rather bizarrely, The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue seems like it was made to mock the very same people that it was made by, as if Damiano was attempting the same sort of ‘anti-erotic’ erotica that Jonas Middleton (Illusion of a Lady, Through the Looking Glass) and Stephen Sayadian aka ‘Rinse Dream’ (Café Flesh, Dr. Caligari) pioneered, but decided to take a less mystifying and more literal approach, even opting to cast some of the most repugnant porn stars of all time (indeed, Lysa Thatcher certainly seems out of place in this putrid planet). Aside from featuring the uniquely unlikeable likes of Herschel Savage and Annie Sprinkle, The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue also features the ever annoying untermensch trainweck that is white trash wonder Sharon Mitchell who, in the documentary Kamikaze Hearts (1986), demonstrated her erratic relationship with heroin and butch blonde chicks. If nothing else, The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue is an ugly film about mostly ugly people and mostly ugly sex acts in a cardboard cutout science fiction pandemonium of infantile scatological pleasure that ultimately offers more thrills and food-for-thought than Ridley Scott’s big plastic celluloid dildo Prometheus (2012). 



-Ty E