Oct 21, 2009

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

Supposing that the director himself has decided to cash in on the upcoming release of Left 4 Dead 2, Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead will hit DVD shelves worldwide on 10/24 and leave many appreciators of the 2nd Wrong Turn, directed by Joe Lynch, wondering if this inexcusable sequel could muster any of the magic that Henry Rollins' ode to ass kicking did just some years back. To be fair, I'm mainly supporting devil's advocacy on blacklisting this infernal straight-to-video hellspawn. I didn't really give it much chance nor did it deserve such. I could have embraced Wrong Turn 3 the same way most people have and wrote a piece of writing involving one or more of these words- "fun," "entertaining," "slasher," "gory," and/or "enjoyable." Since I'm not a tool nor some fool that appreciates something with a mindless body count or a single scene of (very nice, fake) breasts, I have pulled not a single punch in loathing this film next to the unsavory The Hills Have Eyes 2 or the unforeseeable The Cell 2 and thus, my abusing begins.

Wrong Turn 3 lacks a single unimaginative bone in it's terrible packaging. I immediately became somewhat excited for this film after seeing the esthetically stunning teaser poster plastered above and journeyed in a vain quest to comfort myself with the idea of Joe Lynch to reprise his directors chair for a final outing. Alas, I was verily disheveled to learn of the director not being Joe Lynch but someone who directed such admonished titles as Cyclops, Rock Monster, and Monster Ark. I'm not one to judge on a skill that seems to require so much anguish and sacrifice, that being a director. But neither of these "films" look to be anything more than a cheap ticket into a hopeful contract with Dimension. Or maybe to be more predictable and down to earth; Syfy. Now, with no Henry Rollins and no Joe Lynch, the Wrong Turn series has nowhere to go but down, right? Yes.

Needed more of the above.

This desecration to "torture porn," slasher fare starts off with a group of college co-ed med students of some sort vacationing, camping, relaxing out in the woods. Pardon my deteriorating memory. I promise these lapses are for my own good as well as your own. Awkward dialogue is bantered back and forth until two people that couldn't possibly be "together" start to straddle each other and make conversation so amusing that it seems implausible the only high moment in the film is in the first 4 minutes. After a dorky looking guy gets straddled by one of those supermodel types, she inquires "Alex thinks I'm a slut. Do you think I'm a slut?" To which he wisely responds "Yes. But that is what I love about you!" He then begins off on a short-lived tirade on her exquisite breasts which lands an arrow through her bosom and his adulterous hand. Scene. The creative oasis of director Declan O'Brien has just ran dry and so has your capacity for real film making. Unless of course you respond "Dude....awesome."

As long as you're having fun...

Once this scene is soiled, Wrong Turn 3 pulls no stops in setting up what could be deliverable sequences only to tarnish this withering bud of a flower with CGI that one could sincerely call the work of a child. Not only are the special effects unimagined, but the whole backwoods family motif is recycled for what could be some new terrible disease upon horror films with credits going to Cube and bastardized by James Wan and his unmistakably buoyant Saw franchise. No longer are horny teens slaughtered for little or no reason with primitive weapons handled by genetically primitive creatures capable of only murder and mating, but now they cannot even safely venture the woods without fear of getting sliced into three pieces with a makeshift twin vertical guillotine trap. Hypercube seems a much more fitting environment for my precious time as of now.

Once I met the two prison inmates that bicker the entirety of the film, the razors were aimed directly at my throat, skipping 3 of the 4 steps of cinematic suicide. The typical skinhead and dirty Mexican accompany most, if not all, of the screen time. While the title role is credited towards Tom Frederic. His role is cut short during the subplot of the escaped prisoners finding bags upon bags of money from a crashed armored truck. To go off subject, How do these "cannibals" have electricity? Once all is said and done, I really began to wonder what the point was to include these characters other than to buff up a script that could have managed to be three pages or less and still have been the same quality as the one presented to a mass audience. *Gulp*

My final (worth noting) gripe with this film is the severe lack of intimidating villains. While the first and second film had at least a minor roster of titular villains, the third entry, and hopefully last, decides to keep a childish "Three fingers," as he is called, and an unidentified Elephant woman who is killed like a little bitch. The film takes an unexpected turn at this point as this group of hardened criminals find it hard to cope with surviving the onslaught of a 5'9, 151 pound inbred monster. I've read reviews calling the characters reaction during this time believable and this assumption is entirely laughable. In the perverse canon of Wrong Turn, Wrong Turn 3 detaches itself completely for what was painstakingly created by a horror fan with an expensive camera. I'm not glorifying Wrong Turn as a pivotal horror film but at least it got the backwoods retard thesis correct. Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead is one of the worst offenders of Direct-to-DVD lore. Wrong Turn 2: Dead End will go down in history as being "fun," "gory," and "enjoyable," all at the same time, but it's sad to say that Wrong Turn 3 will only be known for wasting a pair of really nice tits in order for an awful movie to continue. Talk about sacrifice in the movie making industry.


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