Mar 14, 2009

Babysitter Wanted

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. Matching strings with this Pro-Christian horror film wasn't easy. My curse has been laid upon for not finishing this film. I didn't even try. The burdening guilt weighed me down until the idea of successfully administering this film to myself made my mind dry heave. As evidenced by the previous sentence, I've turned into a selfish creature caring only for my prime self-being - sniveling and devoid of inner light. Maybe that was Babysitter Wanted's cause in life; to create chaos and upset this already diminishing balance between good and evil.

I'll lay the plot on thick. Bourgeoisie Jesus baby Angie leaves her small town religious mother to go to the city and pursue college. Oh, the joys of city life and socialites. Upon discovering her roommate to be a lesbian "goth" who smokes pot and walks around in Fruit of the Loom panties, she brushes aside contraband and sets up a candle and rosary to pray to her official "God." Already this film sounds a lot like House (2009) and if you remember correctly, those Christian elements that are one-and-the-same in Babysitter Wanted was its benevolent [I use this word loosely] downfall from the beginning. Adored by slasher fanatics, I can't see what they say in this low-budget horror film. Talk about a one way mirror; the reflection is stale, absurd, and plain retarded. And people praise this twist for originality. *scoff*


I had first heard of this film on a P2P tracker. Looking at the plot and the DVD cover art, I decided to nab the film for a much later viewing. No way I was pushing back my schedule for cannon fodder begging to be viewed like a slut begging for another fix. While talking to my dear loved one, she told me she had just seen the worst film of her life. Curious, I inquired as to what it was. The bad taste was exchanged mouth-to-mouth as the title "Babysitter Wanted" slowly crept from her lips. A bomb dropped somewhere inside and I began mentally laughing more fervidly than Chuck Rock back in his hey days of 16-bit entertainment. I'd like to personally thank her for alerting me of this atrocity but at the same time condemn her to a lifetime of the sweetest tortures for piquing my interest further. The spoiler that she told me sounded exactly like a bittersweet rewrite of French ringleader Sheitan. But with no Vincent Cassel, how could this hold up?

Upon putting it on, I realized that she was right. This film was as bad as described to me that fateful day. To prevent you, our readers, from purgatory, I will explicitly detail the plot including the spoilers. Well, as far as I watched. I eventually turned this film off, disgusted, and put in Robert Downey Sr.'s magnificent Chafed Elbows which is probably the greatest achievement in American underground cinema so my suffering wasn't extensive and I only received 2nd degree burns. Christian girl goes to city and looks for a job. Discovers babysitter job in the boonies. Goes to the country and gets stalked by a mysterious figure. Upon fighting and killing the stranger, you discover that he is a priest and in an accident, the girl knocks the Cowboy hat wore by the child she's sitting. Surprise devil horns. The kid's Satan. Watching this plot complexity unfold was like being audience to Haley Joel Osment hitting puberty with enhanced shutter speed.

This "nubile women meet their doom" shtick is getting moldy.

To wrap it up, I was too swayed by the effects of Babysitter Wanted to continue. Maybe this is the purpose of new horror; to "horrify" you to continue further. With that in mind, I guess Babysitter Wanted is exactly what horror films need now to continue a legacy that has slowly been dwindling over the years. Call me jaded but if you enjoyed Babysitter Wanted, don't talk to me. I don't really care how "well-acted" this film is or if you think that this is "low budget horror done right." Your opinions are as limp as this film's dedication to originality is. I will now take this moment to thank Devon for warning me of this obscene atrocity that I spite with every gram of my metaphysical being. If it weren't for her, I might have made the fatal mistake of going into Babysitter Wanted with expectations.


1 comment:

jervaise brooke hamster said...

o.k. so you didn`t like this movie, but remember its still 100 times better than anything the british you know the rest.