Feb 16, 2009

My Friday the 13th Adventure with Negro Smiley


Tonight I had the opportunity to view the new Friday the 13th remake for free. I probably would not have seen the movie if it weren’t for mAQ sneaking me in. As I predicted, the film was nothing special. But then again, are any of the Friday the 13th movies anything special? Anyways, during my viewing of Friday the 13th, a young gay black man also happened to be in the theater. For virtually the whole movie, this loud young fellow “added his own soundtrack.” This boisterous fellow I nicknamed “Smiley.”


I never got a good look at the endearing Smiley. This is probably because the theater was very dark and so was Smiley. However, his voice alone shined enough of this character through to make him more interesting than the majority of American citizens. Loud black people in movie theaters is nothing new. If you go to any horror flick at a theater you can be sure to expect to hear some brothas speaking nonsense. Probably the most common thing one will hear from the “African American” community at the movie theater is loud and obnoxious out of place laughter. Unsurprisingly, Smiley did his fair share of laughing at Friday the 13th that also made me giggle in delight. I will even go as far as saying that Smiley’s commentary during Friday the 13th was as entertaining as the ones John Waters does for his own movies.

3 Spoiled (but not soiled) Degenerate Aryans with "Uncle Tom" and "Goofy Asian"

Friday the 13th
featured a group of lame ass contemporary white people that obviously get picked off one by one by the very special ed. Jason Voorhees. There are two new contemporary additions to the group however. One is a goofy Asian and the other is a very racially conscious black Uncle Tom. Like in real life, the white group of friends in Friday the 13th have minority friends as evidence that they aren’t racist. The Uncle Tom in the group constantly says such things to his white friends as “Is it because I’m black?” Naturally, Smiley couldn’t contain his laughter every time Uncle Tom spoke. Smiley also seemed to have a special spot for the goofy Asian, but with Uncle Tom he really let his laughter rip.


Uncle Tom isn’t exactly an illiterate big black buck like most white girls seems to go for nowadays. Due to Uncle Tom’s lack of ladies man talents, he ends up taking a bong hit and then decides to masturbate. At this point in the movie, Smiley sounded like he was going to have a heart attack. But I mean, who can blame him? Uncle Tom and the goofy Asian were really the best characters in Friday the 13th. In fact, I will even go as far as saying that they are both the most interesting characters in any Friday the 13th movies (aside from maybe Corey “Tommy Jarvis” Feldman and Crispin “Jimbo Anderson" Glover’s character in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter).


After watching Friday the 13th, I was separated by the genius that is Smiley’s voice forever. Where is Smiley right now? What is Smiley doing? Does he eat the same food as me? Does he abstain from basketball because he’s gay? I doubt I will ever know the answers to any of these questions. One thing I do know is if I ever decide to watch the remake of Friday the 13th again, my memories of Smiley will be with me.


-Ty E

5 comments:

Fox said...

Um... I don't know if you just brilliantly photoshopped those F13th high-tops or not, but I WANT SOME!

Did you like the joke between the white girl and the black guy over his musical ambitions??? I'm not really asking... that's such an old joke. The high schoolers in the audience liked it though.

silke said...

I had a very similar experience except it wasnt just one gay black dude, but rather 30 black people, a baby crying and two white dorks talking the whole time.
Merely enhancement I'd say.

Anonymous said...

My most entertaining movie experience ever took place during a viewing of SAW in a theatre with a very high % of people of color. If it had been any other movie, i think i would have been pissed. But, to witness the over-the-top reactions to some of the more brutal moments in that movie gave me so much joy; i doubt I will ever have an experience like it again. It was an incredible movie experience because the reactions to the violence was both genuine and hilarious. When Cary Elwes began taking off his own foot - comedy gold. I only wish I had a video camera with me.

Ross Horsley said...

I watched this movie with a load of white folks, and they barely said a word throughout. Very polite of them, but rather dull in comparison by the sound of things. But that's England for you.

Saucerman said...

Man, I never get interesting people talking when I'm in the movie theater...

War of the Worlds (2005): Three little old ladies behind me croaking loudly about how cute Dakota Fanning is, and panicking that she'd died every time she wasn't on screen.

King Kong (2005): Woman behind me teaching her crotch-fruit how to read using the opening credits.

My favorite theater experience to date has been going to see "The Libertine" starring Johnny Depp, sitting in the back with my girlfriend and watching the theater fill up with people bringing their young children (since, it being a Johnny Depp film like Pirates of the Caribbean or Willy Wonka, it must be kid-friendly) and hurrying out to demand their money back before the opening credits finished rolling.