Feb 27, 2009

Freezer Burn: The Invasion of Laxdale

Any amount of "psychotherapy" will conclude with the discovery that I love every film that Crispin Glover has ever appeared in. I use the word "love" in a quite platonic context but the idea should be passed along that I enjoy most films featuring him, if not just for his role. When I had read the title card bearing two names which said "Tom Green and Crispin Glover", I couldn't believe it. First off, Tom Green seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth save for his webisodes. Second off, two kings of depraved eccentricities have finally come together for a film that should loosely follow the type of construct that Evolution did. Let's face it, Evolution wasn't that bad(?)

Freezer Burn is that one kind of film, a festival runner that seems to inevitably drop off the face of the planet. Any "Joe" could gather a small fortune and cast two actors that find themselves in the most uncomfortable of predicaments, and come out with a film. I feel sorry to say it but if the budgeting was divided in a pie chart for an easy visual aid, you'd see that Glover's and Green's monetary cut make up most of the film's production. That's not to say for the rare occurrence of CGI that has been applied in order to create the illusion that these are aliens that we are dealing with but 9 times out of 10, you will forget this movie faster than it forgot you.

The small Canadian town of Laxdale is home to a hockey star (go figure) and it's up to him to convince the townspeople that a group of Dutch aliens are not in fact drilling for oil but rather going to microwave the earth so they can acquire our planet as a habitat to call their own (or something like that). Truth is, I wasn't really paying attention to this film. At times, I get hit by heavy doses of procrastination but none ever bore the hygienic tendencies of that fateful night. While watching Freezer Burn, I found myself walking away at times to do things that really didn't need to be done, for example - organizing my already organized DVD shelf.

Crispin Glover's turn as an Aryan alien doesn't really turn heads. Normally, Glover's demeanor stands out with maniacal laughter or even just his cold presence but alas, the director instead decided to replace Glover's lines of dialogue with little clicks and whistles as to impersonate a "lost alien language". Cute. Not to mention the alien language sounds like it was made by a homosexual rave kid thanks to the freeware version of Frooty Loops. Even the deaths of the Martians were uninspired. Securing an homage to the Blob by making the aliens weakness be that of the cold, Tom Green gets together with an extremely ugly girl who appears to be stealing Brandy's (Joe Dirt) mojo and these two throw frozen confectionery treats at multicultural aliens, all the while enjoying the purified remnants of what is Canada.

Freezer Burn contains zero to no humor and 30% more cholesterol than the leading competitors. There's almost no reason to go see this film. Hell, if Crispin Glover made any less body gestures (he moves his hand several inches), I'd refuse to even acknowledge this film even existed. Tom Green's always good for a laugh but Freddy Got Fingered is beckoning you from across the room. Blast that film all you want but Freddy Got Fingered will always have more artistic ingenuity than this science-fiction "disasterpiece". I think I might hate Freezer Burn.


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