Feb 7, 2009

Feast III: The Happy Finish

Allow me to speculatively reminiscence for a second. I happen to adore the first Feast film; The gooey subversive eroticism, The cameo of Jason Mewes only to have his face removed with razor nails. The first film was exactly this, a prize. It was a winner of Project Greenlight. This in itself is quite an accomplishment. For retrospect and due to my generous nostalgia, allow to relay over the series for you and I. Feast opened with a bar. You were quickly introduced each character without a moments delay. Spoofy title cards were broadcast amongst us. Some of us chuckled quietly, some of us paraded about the originality of the film already. The film ended and we were left with many questions but we forgave it. We appreciated the audacity and the cunningness of the feature.

A storm was brewing suddenly. A sequel was announced. We knew what the cost could be but we pushed forward despite the hazardous conditions. Many agreed to enjoy the film but they were lying, even to themselves. Feast II: Sloppy Seconds was awful, corrosive, and over over-the-top. It featured (and I mean featured as in the only thing spotlighted) midget dicks, exploding entrails, train genitals, razorblade orgies, and every other impossible oddity you can summon up. This is about the time a rumor came about that John Gulager, winner of Project Greenlight 3 and director of Feast, was actually a fraud and the director was show creator Chris Moore. This claim has been alleged on all 3 of the Project Greenlight films. Meanwhile, fans wait eagerly for the closing chapter and to figure out where these creatures come from. No one could have seen what was next.

Feast 3: The Happy Finish came all too soon. From the release of 2 & 3, one should easily be able to assess that no creative force was put behind either as they are churned out as fast as Pulse sequels. The jump from the hyperkinetic directing style of Feast to Feast II is highly noticeable. It's vantages like these that almost affirm the rumors into something malleable and venomous. Feast III picks up with the gang led by the Biker Queen into the sewers. The instant you turn the film on, you will be marauded by this = random decapitations, annoying title cards, expletive vocabulary's, rehashing's of the last film's events, tits, and every character of the last film, promised to live, dying horrible, violent, subsequent deaths at the hands of unimaginable freak accidents. That brings me to my first point.

It isn't clever anymore. It isn't inventive or funny. If you're reading this, John Gulager - Die. Feast III is still that film that generates "Witty" name cards explaining the characters with interlaced pop culture injections that smirk aloud as you glance over them. The fact that Gulager takes anyone over 18 as a child comes round as pretty fucking offensive. These oddball traits mean nothing to the cast other than to take up screen space and to waste time with pointless reading. Every character is then dead and the bulk of the characters are going to venture without harm for the next 30-40 minutes until the next "hero" enters. Imagine if Final Destination 4 opened with 5 out of 8 characters dying within the first five minutes. Exactly.

Feast III is an absolute monstrosity supposed to be running strong but falls flat rather soon. A part of me longed to care for the movie and upon the entrance of the character "Shitkicker", I felt something towards the film. I said "Finally! Now I can lay trust in the hands of a character". Then he was accidentally shot in the face by a stupid female - Of course. Jokes tend to get stale by code of the stand-up comedian. These laws of common sense apparently do not apply to Mr. Gulag. Feast III lived up to one expectation and one expectation only - a conclusion to a story well drawn out. You will not get this. To spare you the accidental purchase of this disaster, I will spoil the "ending". A giant robot steps on one of the survivors as the old man begs to repopulate earth.

I said it, yes. The old man begs to fuck the survivor and witnesses her promptly squashed by an enormous robot/mech. There is no explanation, no closing grace. You will be cheated out of every cent of your purchase and promptly treated with a Elvis mariachi singing a song about how pissed you are due to the still-enigmatic origins of the beasts. Sure, I enjoy absurd film experiments but this is a scientific survey segregating horror fans from DVD buyers. Logic will be discarded for cheap thrills and inevitable disappointment. If you cater to the product, help yourself. I'm just flabbergasted at the ineffectiveness of Whiskey during this masochistic series of unfortunate events. No substance could make this film any better than it is at core. I wouldn't consider this a review, just an incendiary, scorching assault of Feast III: The Happy Finish (Get it!??! LOLOLOL)



Anonymous said...

Its sounds like they ripped the end of Dead or Alive 3. I absolutely hated the first Feast, it was just an overdone ripoff of From Dusk Til Dawn and a waste of Henry Rollins. I hate puny watered down bullshit that believes itself to be extremely hardcore, like Rob Zombie.


Haha, and I thought the first one was bad! Safely say I'll pass on this one. Hilarious review by the way.

PzykoGore said...

I liked the first film but the this and the second one were just stupid. Should have never been made.