Jan 10, 2009

The Unborn


With the releases of Defiance, Miracle at St. Anna, and Valkyrie, it seemed that Hollywood relieved some of that Nazi sensationalism with a cinematic premature ejaculation. Who would have thought that The Unborn would snowball into a relentless Jewish assault on the senses? Certainly not I. From the early trailers, I had hope visible for this feature. After The Haunting of Molly Hartley and before The Uninvited, I was sure that The Unborn would at least be a tolerable horror film, even if it did include all the "scary" scenes in the trailer like most horror films.


I first got a hint that this would be a good film when AMC Theaters demanded that the trailer be removed from all copies of Twilight. Being a projectionist, I enjoyed watching the screaming girls from above. I was pained to remove the trailer because of someone that couldn't handle terror while agreeing to view a vampire film. As the film builds up, you can piece together the entirety of the shock scenes by simply plugging the scenes in the trailer with the fitting circumstance and background. The public apparently wasn't ready for The Unborn and I'm glad that this was the demographic decision.


"I'm not looking for a Christian exorcism! I'm looking for a Jewish one!"

How can one incapacitate an amazing character actor with brutish screen charisma? By making him into a fairy Rabbi of course. Gary Oldman plays the under-used character of Rabbi Something. He is a "non-believer" but upon experiencing his own second-hand demonic hallucination of a comically CGI-canine with an Upside-down (Really?) head, he converts his decision to help the half naked Odette Yustman. That's what kills any cheap thrill this film carries - the special effects. In the beginning - the dream sequence, when the fetus opens its eye to carry a Seed of Chucky-esque eyeball, the crowd laughs. Or wait, the crowd screams, I laugh. That brings me to my second point.


Upon closing tonight, the "opening day" for theatrically released films, The Unborn was a hellacious one to monitor and clean. In my personal duty, I act as both Booth Operator and Usher. Well, I usher to help the weak-willed with their petty problems and "broken hands". Tired of the "quotes" yet? I'm not. As I stood outside of the auditorium housing The Unborn, I witnessed beautiful girl after beautiful girl whispering to their boyfriend how "amazing" the film was. Let me tell you, it is none of these - these being of positive praise.

Coincidentally, Irony...

For my dear SS readers, I have a bit of a confession to perform. I'm rather inebriated. Upon viewing The Unborn and heading home, my writing process involved frustration, self-destruction, and self-loathing. The experience was a troublesome one and I found the film to be increasingly harder to write about. What better way than to consume some alcohol to allow uninhibited thoughts to flow free? There is none, especially if I suffer from a very specific case of writer's block towards this film. This review before you is the chronicling of three days writer’s block and a penchant for indescribable amounts of alcohol.

"Jumby" wins my nomination for worst fictional name. ever.

All religions conform to and become slaves of the "master religion". In the end, all artifacts of each religion die horrible, violent deaths save for Gary Oldman. This would be fine had he not symbolized the entire religion of Judaism. I dare any one reader to watch The Unborn and not get tired of the egg-barrage of the Jewish connection with the film. Had it been worked in easily would it have worked? Maybe, but no, we had to be "raped" with visual images of holocaust clippings, Star of David charms, Evil Nazi experimentation's, and the Kabbalah mixed with occultism.


Many choose to serve as blind cattle for the Shepard; the Shepard being the motion picture for indulgence. Had a film with incredibly Christian themes (See: House (2008) been released under the guise of a pedigree horror film, the fans would revolt with derogatory statements and weak-willed insults. Now if this film’s religious pretenses were set to Judaism, the audience would sit there quietly. After South Park featured an episode featuring Steven Spielberg and George Lucas raping their creation Indiana Jones, the ADL (Anti-defamation league) stepped forward accusing the episode of being “anti-Semitic” even though a mention of belief is nowhere to be found of heard in that specific episode.


What do you see for yourself after death? Depending on "ethical" choices, it might be heaven, hell, or whatever is in between. For those special horrible people who murdered children and raped women, it's a free ticket to The Unborn. Congratulations, you've just been a human guinea pig in the idea of a point. The Unborn is bad, any way you look about it. Story? Which story? The one about -it- being inter-universal or the one of it being demonic? David S. Goyer is perhaps the worst writer I've ever had the immediate displeasure to analyze. Before The Dark Knight fags come rushing in, know that Ledger improvised most and more of his lines allowing for the scintillating hysteria behind his “final” role.


With so many thoughts & emotions drained past the line of exhaustion, The Unborn remains soiled. Had I not expected an earnest film with originality, the blowback might not have severed so many ideas towards horror. The Unborn is the worst film of 2009. Does the biting satire scathe your sensitive skin? No more than what viewing this atrocity would do. Perhaps the worst date movie of all time and the most likely to attract noisy urban monkeys, The Unborn is overall the most avoidable film of all time.


-mAQ

3 comments:

Quinton said...

This review was everything I expected. Poor Gary Oldman. I didn't know he was in this puppy. In the 90s, I thought this guy would be the go-to character actor's character actor. Watching "True Romance" or "The Fifth Element", you thought he'd be playing R'as al Ghul or even the Joker. But no! He gets Commissioner Gordon? A few forgettable ghost movies are OK, we've all got bills to pay. But I sure hope Gary gets his shit together.

Quinton said...

Oh. And it makes total sense that David S Goyer is Hollywood's newest darling. What a hack.

tarquin fortiscue hetherington, (esquire, as it were), formerley of her majestys grenadier guards. said...

Gary oldman is a load of old rubbish simply because he is british.