Jan 15, 2009

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Why do I even bother? Why am I reviewing this damn film? I asked these questions pending my safe return home after screening this film. Sure, the trailers spared no justice at all and made Kevin James (a funny guy) look a damn fool starring in a children's film released during the wintry season. After Black Friday no less (the events took place during that day). His, at the time, pretentious comment calling his film "comic version of Die Hard" had passed through one ear out the other. I scoffed aloud. Nothing could capture the magic of the Bruce Willis titans.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop follows an obese and disgusting pig of a man who cracks a few jokes here and there in some disgusting self-loathing experiment to make you laugh with him at quips relating to incidents in which "peanut butter fills the cracks of his heart...go away pain". We may "blart" out an unwelcome chuckle occasionally but this is never remedied with a true hearty moment of serene comedy. For the most part, this film is a slug casually admiring the scenery until the heist conflict occurs. Everything until this part can be easily discarded for lighter weight. This film as a product would have been more successful on websites like FunnyOrDie.

With the situation of modern comedy either being overkill or child's play, Paul Blart: Mall Cop is an offender in a uncelebrated instance of neutrality. In many instances, you will see him getting incredible drunk and thanks to his hypoglycemia, passing out or having the effects of alcohol being "super effective!". The real magic of Paul Blart: Mall Cop doesn't come until maybe with a scarce 30 minutes remaining. In true lesser-than-average Joe manner, Paul Blart "hilariously" (Not in any way shape or form) manages to shock into submission all of the mall terrorists akin to Die Hard. Bruce Willis is a much for "fit" hero for the excursion of action.

Within the final 10 minutes of actual film time, Paul Blart: Mall Cop simply escalates into a ridiculous Die Hard 2 montage of Adam Sandler produced parodies. From the betrayal to the plane fight and the search for Holly, the film's only golden moments are when you realize that the purpose of this film is to parody the greatest action film of all time, eventually. Every other regard can be monotonously tossed out the window. If you're as big of a Die Hard fan as me, you owe it to yourself to see this film...eventually. As in, illegally downloading it and not spending any form of currency on it. Not even trading furs would make this a worthy buy.



Unknown said...

Great review!

JD said...

Awesome review.
I was shocked that you had seen this one.
I hope the studio will refund your time on this one.