Nov 11, 2008

Eaten Alive


Blind purchases were a thing of the past. Upon my first job many years ago, I found myself becoming a consumer whore, buying every film that peaked my interest. I have had nothing but pleasant experiences for Dark Sky Films. They release quality films with quality transfers. That and amazing editions. The Steel book Texas Chainsaw Massacre is truly a collectors dream come true, that is, until the "Seriously Ultimate Edition" came out. And yes, I am serious.


Up until now Dark Sky has amazed me (Besides from Henry II, but I can allow this misconception to pass, seeing as how they released the original). Eaten Alive is a follow up film to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Tobe Hooper created the definitive horror piece which still stands strong today. The icon of Leatherface still lives on and the horror never quite fades. What better way to add onto his success than making a better film? That doesn't happen, though. Eaten Alive might be the biggest over-rated piece of shit horror film ever created.


Over-rated can be a deceptive label. One might construe the idea that is loved by all. This is the most common usage. When I say over-rated, I mean that anyone enjoying this film is a blasphemous result. There is absolutely no redeeming material about this film. Not even Robert Englund's role as Buck or the line he produces that has been "nodded" at by the likes of Tarantino, can justify the existence of this film. Eaten Alive is purely a film that has no merit at all. Watching Eaten Alive might be the equivalent of a Circus midget cart-wheeling into a Hippopotamus's mouth. And yes, this actually happened.


Eaten Alive has a clever marketing strategy - It has 14 different titles across the globe. Do the math. 14 different names is 14 different chances to be fooled into purchasing one of the most absolute disappointing films to be released in this decade. I might agree with the idea of a psychotic war veteran owning an inn to be a cool idea, Hell, I even think the Crocodile is a bit of innocent fun. But when these two mix, it unleashes a fiery hellspawn onto your screen that just smells, tastes, and looks bad. I don't think it would be a gross exaggeration to call Eaten Alive the biggest piece of shit filmed from a respected director.


The characters are as generic as they come and the deaths aren't exciting. Chainsaws were pretty rare to be seen in horror cinema. What Hooper did with the chainsaw, he attempts to do with the lengthy scythe. While the scythe is a formidable and daunting weapon, its usage is ineffective as displayed in the film. What a waste of what could have been quality kills. Eaten Alive is no more worth a watch than having your family abducted, sodomized, and ground to a pulp. Think of the circus midget. Would Od want you to watch this? No. He wouldn't.



-mAQ

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Whatever, this movie is awesome

Soiled Sinema said...

Aren't opinions great?

Next time, clarify what makes a movie "awesome".

jervaise brooke hamster said...

thats easy, any film that has heather o`rourke in it is "awesome".

jervaise brooke hamster said...

Yet another perfect opportunity to put things into the proper perspective. "EATEN ALIVE" is better by itself than everything that has ever been produced by the British film industry put together during the last 121 years since the invention of the cinematograph in 1889, the worst American films are still infinitely better than films produced anywhere else in the world (especially Britain), NEVER FORGET THAT ALRIGHT!!!.

Sarcophagus McAbre said...

This movie still puzzles me in 2011 just as it did when i first saw it circa 1989 - but then i thought that the awful colors were due to the copy of the VHS i had rented...

Today i think there are far worse movies by famous directors (Craven's Shocker for instance)but yet Eaten Alive contains at least seven deadly sins:

1. "They" made Neville Brand believe that he would play in a good movie hence his remarkable attempts to be credible as a split personality, at least during the first 30 minutes.

2. "They" obviously forced Neville Brand to wear the very clothes Jim Siedow wore in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre".

3. The annoying little girl is the cinema's Most Annoying Little Girl Ever since the little girl in "Family Affair" in the late sixties.

4. "They" obviously forced Marilyn Burns to wear the most horrid wig I have ever seen (and, yes, I have seen "Amadeus" and "German Chainsaw Massacre").

5. It seems that Mel Ferrer is bored from the moment he appears on screen until the moment he dies. Rumors has it that he asked Tobe Hooper: "Please, may i be the next one to be killed?"

6. "They" told William Finley that he had to play a disturbing lunatic. He never asked why. And we don't know why.

7. Is it day? is it night? are we outside? are we inside? is it a bird? is it a plane? No, it's "Eaten Alive"