Oct 18, 2008

Max Payne

What better way to bring back noir sentiments than with Max Payne - A long overdue adaptation that hit me in the liver for featuring an outstanding trailer, one of which I preserved. Immediately following the first negative review, my mood became sour and I trekked onwards to collect my own opinions, as venomous as they are.

Max Payne is a shitty movie, plain and simple. If professional asshole John Moore has focused more on the Max Payne quintessential instead of calling the MPAA "Nazi cockgobblers", the douche might have created an average and proud adaptation. Instead, we're given a film that is all too relatable to our own soil. Max Payne was something I respected for showing the environments as foreign as possible. The seedy dialogue and the snowy grain covering the ground. Also props when props are due for the graphic novel cut scenes.

“We’re suffering from what I call Batman blowback. The Motion Picture Association of America gave The Dark Knight a PG-13 rating and basically sucked Warner Bros. cock. I have a serious amount of issues with the MPAA. Did you know it was made up of volunteers? As if that somehow excludes them from some type of wrongdoing. You can’t serve on it if you’re a homosexual or if you didn’t grow up in a shared parenthood home. Go to their website and read their charter about what gives a fair and balanced view for typical parents. We’re still strangled by an association that’s straight out of the House Un-American Activities Committee.”

In the game, you took the role of Max Payne - a disturbed ex-father and vigilante cop addicted to painkillers. You'd take part in adrenalized gun battles worthy of John Woo's camera that were stylized with a feature called "Bullet time" in which time slows down and you can dive while firing in the air. The game was a breath of fresh air towards the tired third person shooter genre which wasn't done right until Resident Evil 4. Testosterone + Wit + Drugs + Guns = easy movie to make? Apparently not. I've seldom been guilty of watching a film and thinking of how I could do it better. When I was in Max Payne, I found myself furious at Moore. The kind where I'd jump him outside of his house for ruining something which should be child's play.

This picture better represents the film whilst rotated.

Mark Wahlberg has been under some fierce fire lately. After The Departed, his reputation was soaring through open skies. Up until The Happening, it seemed that he was destined for an godly A-list life but has instead been dragged into the ground thanks to insignificant critics. He is the perfect brand of actor. He's not the kind of guy to take liberties but would rather work. This explains how when M. Night makes the glorious decision for Wahlberg to stare perplexed at a given point for 80 minutes and call it an eco-terror movie. This is also why when Scorsese told Wahlberg to be an incendiary asshole, he delivered gold. Give this power to John Moore and everything explodes into hell.

Had the name not been attached, this film would be at least tolerable. The sound effects were something that bothered me. His hand cannon in the bathroom scene sounds more of an ox mixed with plastic explosives. I prefer the hollow shell sound deployed in the video game. Max Payne suffers from trailer hype. It's a common disease. With the slow riffs on Manson's If I was your Vampire, it molded the film's image into the emotionally draining song that was present. You can't expect the writer of The Shield to write a noir. This is Hollywood idiocy. Would it hurt to hire some original project workers in order to ensure a safe transportation? Oh wait, this is the director of The Omen (2006)? Silly me.

The real star of this film is the stunning Olga Kurylenko who suffers a short role. This exotic beauty should have been given the title role. Similar to the Edwin/Edwina A. Salt film controversy, it should have been Maxine Payne. Other than pretty faces and some stylish cinematography, Max Payne was dead before he started. After an end-credits scene, it seems that the Fall of Max Payne was indeed the inspiration of the first film. A shame with how wonderful the promotional materials are.



Keith said...

I had heard a lot of negative reaction to this movie. I'm not as big of a video gamer as my brother, but I was still excited about the movie. From what I'm reading or seeing it sounds like pure crap. It's a shame that Olga is not in the movie more. She's some fine eye candy. I'm ready to see her in the new Bond film.

Anonymous said...

i suspect the storyline for Max Payne is a lot more exciting when it's happening in the form of a video game... except for those few exciting parts that i already saw in the preview, it was a snoozefest

a heather o`rourke obsessed lunatic said...

faggots are scum so i agree that they should not be allowed to serve with the MPAA. I also think the MPAA itself is an ocean of laughably out-moded bullshit that should be destroyed. "max payne" is one of the most fantastically entertaining action movies i`ve ever seen, it is a truly brilliant film. By the way, i want to bugger olga orlylenko, she is so fucking gorgeous (although i wish she was 10 years younger).

teddy crescendo said...

Hey, Hamster, couldn`t you even spell Olga`s name right or were you too busy jerking off to Heather.