Sep 4, 2008

Disaster Movie


Never in my life had I planned to watch any of this film other than the trailers we received that I promptly trashed and threw a smirk at the garbage with a hint of sadistic glee. While closing up at our theater, I had several minutes to spare, so I began my perilous trek into theater 1. The movie had just started. I hesitated for a second, sweat building at my brow. My fingers cramping up. Could this be the feeling of death creeping up on my back?


I slowly sat down into the back so I wouldn't absorb all of the film at once. Visual pain happens to be real; proven so by Freidberg & Seltzer. These are the guys that should scare you, not German mogul Uwe Boll. As the film opened with a CGI rendering of earth morphing into an asteroid and the title of the film exploding on screen, I realized where much of the 20 million dollar budget went. I already can't believe people fund this shit.

A retarded running gag of cows falling on Pop Culture icons.

I sat through a tedious and yawn-rendering spoof of 10,000 B.C., then watched that turn into a spoof of American Gladiators, then Amy Winehouse, Indiana Jones, then something else that had no relation to disaster movies. I feel my stomach slowly turning in it's rightful place. Soon some douche bag model wakes up in his bed. What starts as a slight odor of a plot, Flavor of Love is soon spoofed, followed by several other television shows and Soulja Boy. Cue the vomit arising in my mouth.

faggots.

I sat through around 15 to 20 minutes of this mind-numbing inane film and morally retarded filth and all I got was a vomit stain on my t-shirt. The ONLY parts that amused me: The No Country for Old Men spoof, and the non-stop Juno mocking. Juno had it coming. I feel slightly unable to perform my natural motor skills. I love working at a theater for every reason other than this. I should start working on rigging a death trap for anyone who buys a ticket for this film. I walked out after that 15 minutes of purgatory. I sat silent during the car ride home.


-mAQ

1 comment:

a pious atheists virtuous indignation said...

this film has made about 7 million dollars in north america which means about 1 million idiots went to see it, but just think about that for a moment, 299 million americans have proved they were not idiots simply by not going to see it. That means that only 0.3% of americans are idiots which is astonishing when you consider the fact that in england a whopping 60 million people are idiots, a staggering 100% of the population, you americans should feel thankful that you only possess a tiny fraction of the levels of idiocy and stupitidy possessed by your british counterparts.