Aug 26, 2008

A Few Screws Loose

The only thing I expected from this film upon my dramatic and timely arrival was beautiful women, and damn did it impress on that plane. I went into this film with absolutely zero expectations and still came out completely empty-handed except for a few, and I mean few, memorable scenes.

The film has no cohesive storyline. It would rather shove explicit violence in your face, traced lightly with gorgeous nudity of the female form and the once-seen prosthetic penis, moments before it is laughably castrated. The film opens with what may the most amazing scene in low-budget horror ever. A huge, hulking Negro wielding a machete busts in on a porn shoot and begins to hack and slash his way through to his daughter who is about to be a star of a porno.

The greatest thing about the film ironically also adopts the greatest death effect.

After he is exterminated by a pathetic actor in a senior citizen mask, this "killer" becomes a serial murderer to film snuff films (which we don't find out about until the end.) This film has many flaws. I will begin to illustrate them in your mind with my vicious metaphors. The films running time is the biggest overkill.

Was this an editing mistake or what? (Screencapped by accident)

This film happens to be longer than a Nick Swardson stand up, but without the entertainment. Much of this film is a vague attempt at an experiment filming style, edited with horrible color bars and remixing much of the clips. Most of the run time is entirely unnecessary and would rather make a better short film. In fact, what better to do with a horrendously long length than fill it with amateurish gore.

Yes, this is fake.

When I say amateur, I don't mean cheapie intestine pulling, I mean paper-mache heads getting crushed in and obvious dummies getting ravaged with weapons. But with every flaw, a single beautiful nude women appears, and for this, I cannot thank Craig McIntyre enough for replacing this trife film making with nude hotties.

Please love me...

Honestly, the women that compliment this film assisted in helping me finish this film. It's not entirely as bad as I exclaim it to be. Remember, I'm a jaded cynic. In fact, a lot of our readers might even enjoy it, but I need something more than a ridiculous storyline and gore to please me. Here is an abridged version of the script for our readers.


CAMERA GUY: Hey, I'm filming an amateur porn film. Excuse me while I belittle this "African-American LOL" by constantly calling her a slut and whore while the audience gets entirely solid misogynist vibes.

ACTOR: FUCK! A giant colored gentleman just broke down the door and is hacking up my co-star while I sit here and cower like the lesser race that I am. It sucks being white.

ACTOR's paper arm is then amputated pathetically with a machete.

CAMERA GUY dons a mask and magically morphs into a serial killer and kills EVERYONE except the armless guy. They then form a TEAM in killing and exploiting women.


RANDOM MALE: RAHHH, My unapparent porn-star girlfriend was murdered unbeknownst to my knowledge, but I will train in a horrible montage to exact revenge upon a woman I have no idea is dead and the killers whose identity is unknown

Uneventful events then happen.


The film owes a great debt to various porn-gone-wrong films such as the recent Amateur Porn Star Killer, A Hole in my Heart, and the obscure Psycho: The Snuff Reels (Niku Daruma.) The gore effects range from horrible to effective. Basically, you're settling for a grab bag of random violence coated lightly with T n' A, which can be a reasonable sacrifice.

Does this excite you? Good, you'll see lots of these in alternating colors.

The film making style heavily reminds me of the style Bam Margera used for his moderately successful film Haggard. While I respect Haggard a bit more, it boils down to the same annoying formula as Jackass with a story would have been. The same mistake that most low-budget horror films make has been exploited to full effect in A Few Screws Loose.

Rule 1 of Low Budget Horror:
Never, and I mean NEVER... put Grindcore or any type of metal on your soundtrack.
Not only will it completely destroy any sort of tension and emotion that your film may have carried, but it will also make you seem inept at picking up a keyboard and generating your own effective soundtrack & score.

A Few Screws Loose is a film I can't recommend at all. I love the women in the film. In fact, they generate a Russ Meyer-ish mood to enjoy while pretending the rest of the film didn't happen. I can see Craig engineering a new film that doesn't have so many flaws. In fact, I recommend that he take the enjoyable aspects from this film and create new life. He should take the Negro killer and make a blaxploitation horror film out of him. That would be perfect.


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