Jul 15, 2008

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Take what you have, a science-fiction genre classic, and an action genre classic, and you have yourself a pretty fucking solid franchise. Now add some feminism, a total screw-over of the already confusing Terminator timeline, and the shittiest visioning of adult John Conner turned to script, and you have yourselves T3 in the flesh... err, living tissue over metal endoskeleton.

Nick Stahl might have seemed like a good choice for our reluctant hero on paper, but the result is nothing short of devastating. A simple rebel teenager has turned into an "emo" drifter who hides from "the system" and breaks into local veterinary's offices to steal medication to give his character "tortured depth." Alright, enough with the quotations.

He gets captured embarassingly by the ugly-as-a-horse Clair Danes. After some run-ins with a female Terminator (Ugh) and the "I'll be back" T-850. Turns out this is the very same Terminator that assassinates him in the future, using the same model to recall boyhood memories to get in closer. Jesus, this storyline gets way too ridiculous. So after all is said and done, what we have is a mess of action, romance, and ridiculous time-travel paradoxes.

The introduction of the T-X (Female Terminator) is what might have doomed it from the start. Not even the nipple slip in the beginning was enough to grip in fans of the original. Her mutating polymorphing body and reverse ion particle thruster cannon over-kill arm just made it a one-sided fight. There was always that "T-800 can kill the T-1000 if he believes deep inside" bull shit, but this time, there's no real fun action here. The only real sense of destruction is the T-850 shooting cops but not killing them.

Yes, a pacifistic Terminator. I remember in the original 2 where this bad motherfucker in a leather jacket would haul ass and shoot down every bastard who looked at him the wrong way. Now they toned down the cop-killing, as to fit calmly in with our paranoid and controversial society. None the less, the T-X murders everyone, cause she is a woman and deserves equal rights. The male should have the License to Kill before the female.

No, die. You're not a cool villain.

Nick Stahl was a teen frenzy when he was in films like Bully, but somehow in this film, he looks like someone bludgeoned him with a shovel. He is easily the bitchiest John Conner I've ever had to deal with. I'm excited for Christian Bale to play John Conner in the upcoming PG-13 shitfest Terminator: Salvation. I've read the close-off to T4, and trust me, It's a steaming pile of shit. The detail that went into portraying the war-torn dystopian world of the future was trashed for shitty CGI and crappy green screened settings. No longer are skulls crunching under the metal feet of the enemy.

The Terminator was a dismal piece of tech-noir. T2: Judgement Day was an unmatched action film that conjures up thrills and a bit of classy humor. T3 is a feminist film with shitty guns and Arnie wearing fag glasses in the beginning. What a horrible way to continue these films. If I had connections with Skynet, I'd send a Terminator back in time to assassinate Jonathan Mostow and rejoice in the 2 part classic.



Anonymous said...

I always hoped since I was a child that T3 would be about the actual robot war and would take place on a battle field. Mainly the first half of first two movies for 2 hours, it seemed logical right?

Anonymous said...

this film is unmittigated genius from first frame to last, absolutely marvellous entertainment of the highest calibre and quality, and clair danes might be as ugly as a horse but i`d still love to bugger her senseless.

Anonymous said...

T2 was about equally in-your-face feminist. The Terminator timeline has never made any sense. In my optinion only the first movie is really good. T2 is pretty goofy and T3 isn't even worth bothering with.