Jul 14, 2008

Cane Toads: An Unnatural History

This little ditty is a 47 minute short documentary of a bizarre nature. Directed in 1988 by Mark Lewis, this film has undoubtedly traveled a long way by word of mouth through classrooms of all kinds and featuring unforgettable interviewee's and many toad-vision moments (An attempted first person toad viewpoint)

Rather than opening up with an introduction elaborating on the disposition of the Cane Toad, it opens up with a segment explaining the faults of man and the depth of a human idiocy that knows no end. It seems that during an outbreak of Cane Beetles (Bugs + Crops = Bad), some genius decided to import a hundred or so Cane Toads from their native land of Hawaii to Northern Queensland (Australia)

As expected, his mathematical equations proved to be void when the fat toads couldn't reach the flying insects, and the once brilliant man became a staple in the ever-so present category of faulty pseudo-intellectuals who fucked shit up. See also: The Terminator Series. So these toads began massively breeding and began over taking the entire culture of Northern Queensland. This documentary features interviewee's who grew up through the Toad Revolution and what they think about this sore subject.

We meet men who have an enormous stuttering problem. Actually, we just stay acquainted with him. It takes him about damn near 5 minutes to say a single goddamn sentence. We meet a guy who seems to act just like Hooper off of Jaws and explains a passionate story about his favorite cat biting one of these toads and dying. This man went into the woods with a pick axe and piked the hell out of it, causing it's poison discharge to strike him in the eye, thus blinding him for 6+ hours.

We then meet a pedal-happy son-of-a-bitch who demonstrates one of his favorite hobbies by swerving all over the road, keeping a high score of how many of these blessed toads he can squish. We then take a fleeting look into people who actually love God's creatures. This one select old man begins to tear up and choke on his words talking about how much he loves to pet them, and feel them squish in his hands, and dress them up. Things certainly get weird in the down under.

The male toads all share one thing; being a horny mother fucker. These toads practice an act that is called amplexus in the science circle. The male toads jump on top of the female toad, gripping his muscly toad arms in her side, forming a piggy-back ride sex position while she hops around and he ejaculates in the entire pond. I seriously lack the initiative to ever wade through a pond again. This documentary should be rated R for scenes of graphic toad sex and necrophilia.

Yes, necrophilia. The camera caught sight of a very bizarre act - a cane toad fucking a dead cane toad. This toad was squashed in the middle of the road, and the horny bastard was going away at it like Will Smith on summer vacation. The documentary is split into a neutral viewpoint, allowing people to side with, or against the plague-like creatures. Cane Toads: An Unnatural History is a true to life "When Animals Attack!" film.

If being a documentary on sex-crazed toad maniacs wasn't enough, this documentary also happens to give way for the most horrendous acts of singing on film, even showing a naked fat hairy man in the shower singing a folk song dedicated to these lazy creatures. Toads then break in through his window. A funny thing about this film, is that the wild-life footage is so seamlessly spliced in, that it gives the Cane Toads a significant boost in intelligence. I doubt these creatures could storm a house.

The highlight of the film? A fucking toad ate a fucking mouse. I almost choked. These toads are not to be screwed with. Whether they poison your ass, or eat it, Australia is screwed. Let's hope these new ultraviolet and gene screwery works. Cane Toads: An Unnatural History is a fun documentary that doesn't stray away from the true story of bat-shit locals and old myths.


1 comment:

peregrine fforbes-hamilton said...

In the last picture i wish the gorgeous little girl would put the toad down then pull up her dress and then pull down her knickers so that we could see her twat and then turn around and pull her bum open so we could see her arse-hole.