Jun 17, 2008

Brain Damage Films Introduction

Another day, another cinematic torture. This time, I didn't even make it to the film. In fact, I was treated with an introduction forged in the Underworld by Hades himself. To delve a bit into what I will explain with an article on Brain Damage in the future, the screener DVD's I have received have a very "colorful" introduction that is almost as bad as the films themselves.

Allow me to go off-topic to explain Brain Damage Films to you in case you haven't read a review of their films. Many review sites see the easy way to fame is to applaud horrible film efforts for a cheap shot for a quote on a DVD cover. As nifty as that sounds, Our readers time is more important than us being noticed. I have seen the worst that world cinema has to offer; fish porn and extreme scat to name a few, but for some damn reason, I cannot find it in me to finish a Brain Damage film.

(X-STREAM Editing Part I)

My remedy to this type of bullshit is closing my eyes with happy thoughts of watching Ving Rhames in a boxing match against Wesley Snipes. Before you think that Brain Damage Films is just a film company who is plagued by bad luck, might I point out some scenes in their introduction. The intro begins with a film company scene with the text written in blood reading "Terror TV" If you listen closely, It's obvious that the sound clip that shamelessly stole was from Static-X's song "Loser"

Then it moves on to the fictional mascot for Brain Damage Films, aptly named "Brain Damage" If by brain damage, they mean retarded, Then yes, This is a retarded film company with a retarded mascot. In their future, I see..... Shortbus of Terror. They already made a film entitled Goth, It wouldn't surprise me to see them tackle that familiar subject that they deal with; Low IQ's. When Brain Damage walks out, the actor is making the best Quentin Tarantino face he can. While straining, the camera begins to auto-focus and zoom in/out to create this wild effect of purgatory.

Brain Damage then introduces himself as a fanatic - no, scratch that, a "FREAK" of horror films. I guess this character loves his labels twisted. Personally, I can't imagine someone who has ruined the face of independent horror to look so highly to the genre. He then calls his fans "GOREHOUNDS" Again with the CAPS key. He likes to make a solid point. I might have seen 4 - 5 Brain Damage films, and as I can remember, none of them had gore, save for the Shockumentary's and Traces of Death series.

(X-STREAM Editing Part II: This Time It's Personal!)

His next method of making himself seem important is him boasting in a forced raspy voice about how many e-mails and film submissions he gets from fat guys with pony-tail's all around the world. After this contrived segment explaining how people from third-world countries love his films, he begins to ramble in his heavy metal voice about how successful Brain Damage Films is. Just as Romero before, BD brags about how his fame is derived from the "INTERNET *echo*" and how there are hundreds of reviews for all his distributions and productions.

Good Heavens, If he actually took the time to read some, like the ones I write, he might pack his bags and become a security guard. Brain Damage, if he has done one thing, it's stereotyping and insulting his fans. After exclaiming that Brain Damage Film's target audience is through the years 18 - 25, he then shouts that they "LIVE ON THE INTERNET" Nice, a man who ruins horror is telling me I have no life.

I might have believed that this character was a somewhat iconic fake-punk who is in dire need of Rogaine and a fruitcake at best, but when he makes another exclamation, he grabs a plastic skull and using all the homosexuality in his body, barely taps it on the table, I lost it. The most fun I've had with Brain Damage Films, is dissecting this clever ruse which is nothing but an extreme fabrication and exaggeration of what Brain Damage Films really is.

When he tells me to "Turn down the lights, Crank up the volume, and Hold on to your seats" I realize that there is no punishment worse then having to listen to DIY trash at a high volume level while not moving in a darkened room where my attention span can't wander. It's final; Horror truly is dead and hasn't even hit first base.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The only thing remotely entertaining about Brain Damage is listening to that guys dumbass voice, its fucking hilarious.