Apr 11, 2008

Tard Spasm


Boiling down to this review, this is where we split cinephiles in half. People who like quality films on one side, and people who enjoy absolute pure shit, in an unclean way. If you are in the second category, i can already assume you love films like Violent Shit. Tard Spasm is this self appointed "Rare" and "underground" recording of a really bad band called Gobstopper playing at a home for retards (Children's Haven in Florida.)

Excuse my brash nature towards physical and mental handicaps, but after watching this, i wasn't sure who the real people with deficiencies were, the people who enjoy this, or the cast. An hour and a half film of pure retardation. You will have to excuse the puns or get used to them. The fact that this film exploits handicaps doesn't even bother me. They tried doing that in the horrible buddy comedy The Ringer but it turned out as stale as an episode of The Golden Girls.

The simple fact that the copy has the audacity to try and back up the "over an hour" running time with thirty extra minutes of shock footage (R. Budd Dwyer, suicides, and faux murders) is beyond me. They claim it is the ultimate party DVD but we all know this is a lie. I'd have more fun presenting the special features of Schindler's List to a room of friends. In all honesty, you might laugh here and there, a chuckle, maybe two, but it is nothing special in any way. In fact, if you want quality entertainment with more artistic credibility in the opening credits than the entire feature of Tard Spasm, go watch Crispin Hellion Glover's What is it?

If you like extremely shitty rock music and watching the modern age cast of Browning's Freaks bumping about on a dance floor, then be my guess, but if you tell me that you actually like this film, I will call you a retard. Bottom line, Tard Spasm is entertainment for retards.


-mAQ

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

tard gasm
DWHFIEWH WOAH
speedy

Anonymous said...

I need a copy of this. Where can I get it?!?!

By the way, awesome blog. You know your shit

Chim Chim the VideoMonkey said...

Hey! I was the retard that designed that cover in the pic up there...
The DVD copy that goes with it isn't padded with any extra shock footage...maybe your copy is the VHS one released by the now defunct Blackest Heart Media (they used to add a kid getting hit by a train to the beginning of their movies) or else someone just added that stuff on to fill the tape up for a trade.

www.geocities.com/jigglehymer/TARDSPASMDVD.html

is about the only place you can still get it outside of 'Video Trading' for it.

It's a DVD copy transfered from a VHS and like I said has no 'shock footage' added...

We used to watch this every Christmas party back in the day and had drinking games to go with it...you were considered officially drunk when you would seriously consider tossing a shot into that girl in the yellow dress.