Jan 6, 2008

Creatures From The Abyss

Creatures From The Abyss (Plankton) is a "THE THING" inspired Italian-trash horror film set in a nautical environment. The film is directed by Massimiliano Cerchi who made 3 other films that i especially don't care about. The plot features the worst acting i have ever witnessed, dubbed or not. The things these characters do are ridiculous. I dare to say this film was made on a budget of at least $500.00.

I like his pseudonym. Yes, it is that bad.

The film revolves around 5 teenagers being played by adults that i don't care for at all, as you can obviously tell.

The Characters:

Mike: The nerd with a mullet.

Bobby: The old Zac Efron look-a-like who is an asshole jock.

Margaret: Mike's fiance

Dorothy: I don't care.

Julie: Sister to someone.

They push each other on the beach and giggle and some gay shit like that. Then they leave without Mike and makes him chase them out. In this confusion of teenage stupidity, they leave the gas can on the shore. I have no idea where they were trying to go on a little raft, or why they ended up in the Atlantic Ocean, but this is only a small problem with the film. They soon get stranded and get pissed off at each other and drop the motor to start paddling. Soon after getting tired, their oar gets stuck on a dead body that looks sort of like Lon Chaney in The Phantom of the Opera. Hysteria is performed and they see a light from a yacht.


Closer inspection reveals this yacht is an oceanographic institute of research. All the meanwhile they stare, we are bombarded with shitty flash-editing of tentacles, screaming, open mouths, and useless Amoebas. When they finally board, they declare it part time since there seems to be no crew aboard. They begin to listen to shitty dance music and drink alcohol water. Bobby is still trying to get laid by seducing all the women. After Mike tells the women to GB2Kitchen and make him food, they see fish that they cook up screaming and catch on fire. They blame it on simple hallucinations.


After thoroughly searching the cabin they encounter two incredibly annoying objects. One is a clock named Cutie Time. If you walk by it it wakes up and begins to talk to you about various foreshadowing plot points which gets really fucking annoying. Two is the fish eye camera slithering on the ground watching the characters extremely closely. Even when they look right at it, they don't see the creature. I don't remember there being an invisible fish in the film.


After sitting down and eating and watching Bobby eat like a pig making stupid jokes, all the women seem to love him. I want him to teach me his secrets. One of the women characters whom i don't care about eats the fish she fried and begins to have stomach pains later that night which leads to a great vomit scene with bugs in her upchuck making vomit angels. A very great squirm able scene. While the boys check out the crawlspace below they find a drooling, foaming, old man with frizzled hair who is a chemist. When i say chemist, it sounds normal and you probably don't take another look at the word but after hearing Mike say chemist, i don't think i can ever hear this word and not laugh to my self again.


They drag him up to the deck while he bleeds and foams a lot. This only leads up to Bobby's conclusion that the ship was a cover to create drugs. After tasting some "cocaine" which we later find out to be mutated plankton, we only begin to taste his fate. While Mike is in the lab looking at a Tron looking screen, he realizes there is a mutant fish aboard. Key the scene with the flying fish comes alive and latches on his future-wifes throat biting it a little teensy bit. After witnessing a fish fly through the air looking like a paper cut-out, you wonder how worse can this film get.


Mike then goes crazy with a giant jaw bone and destroys all the fish and manages to hit one in a meat grinder which results prove satisfactory. He misses the huge freezer of these fish which evades me and proves him to be a stupid nerd. Then Bobby has his way with _____ (Insert Big Busted Female) and apparently she is a virgin (questionable). He then gets a recently de-thawed fish in the back of his skull which spikes protrude and impregnates _____ with lots of fish eggs and disappears.


These scenes are only the mere catalyst for such a pile of shit. I cannot ruin the ending because you must see it so you can come to a conclusion by yourself. All right, to square the review down let me ask myself, what didn't work? Everything. This film had the most atrocious acting ever printed to film and given a proper release. The dubbing is pure shit. The story is uninspired. The characters are retarded. The scares are none. The only things i really like about it was the animation and the effects. Some of them that is, less we not forget the flying fish.


Creatures of the Abyss is a funny movie because of how fucking shitty it was. Is it a grand old film that has lots of tits and blood? Yes. Would i recommend it to anyone i cared about in the slightest? No.


-Maq

1 comment:

otis heterosexual said...

from now on in your reveiws could you make sure that you only show picture of GIRLS...REPEAT...GIRLS with white stuff coming out of their mouths THANK-YOU.